That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
