??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
