Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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