Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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