Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
