i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
