you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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