I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
