no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
