Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
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I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
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I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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