Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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