we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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