My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
