you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
