The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My penis needs a shock collar
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
