Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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