I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
