great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
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Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
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Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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