next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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