Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
