You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
