I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
