I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
How's work?
Spinning.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
