I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
