his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
