dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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