there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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