She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
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one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
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Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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