question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
