handjob tips. give me some.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
