Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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