You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
