you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
