You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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