She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My vagina is very pro this idea
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
