U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
