Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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