I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
