Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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