cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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