Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
As shirtless as possible
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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