Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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