She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
