life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
