I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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