you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
PANTIES FOUND
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
