When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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