Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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