my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
