dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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