I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He did a backflip because drugs
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
