My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
