my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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