and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
