New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
