I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
